Into perspective

The scariest thing to ever happen to me, happened recently; one of my biggest fears in all the world, nearly came true. And finally, after three days of shock and disbelief, I can finally take a deep breath, enjoy a glass of wine, and say to myself, "We got through it and we're okay."


Over the weekend Mikey fell into the pool, was pulled out by Jared and given semi CPR (as Jared noticed complications with breathing), went into a febrile seizure, spiked a fever of 103 point-something degrees, and taken in an ambulance to the hospital. He was given meds, an IV, and admitted for observation. His stay was brief, 24 hours. And it was truly the hardest, most painful 24 hours I think Jared and I have ever been through. At his follow up visit with his pediatrician, he was ordered neurological tests to make sure everything upstairs is fully functional, and though I'm sure it is, I cannot help but feel shadowed by a huge "what if?" It sneaks in as soon as I think I can relax and feel safe . . . "what if?"


When I first flew into the ICU, saw him lying there on the gurney with tubes and needles, Jared looking SO weak and SO scared, I wanted to die. I thought, "this is too much. I’m not strong enough." I wanted to die because I was so scared of the pain I would feel if Mikey did not... if anything happened…I was scared of what I could not handle as a mother. I was scared of that darkness. And there were times during those 24 hours that I was NOT strong enough, that I lost it, times when I knew what "going crazy" really meant. The night Mikey came home from the hospital he slept in the bed between me and Jared (sick or not, that’s his usual spot) and after he fell  asleep Jared and I just laid in bed staring at him, much the way we did the night we brought him home from the hospital when he was first born. We kissed him all over; touching him, caressing him, smelling him, loving him, because we were given a glimpse of a future that we never want to experience, a future where we have voids that would rapidly eat us away…


It's difficult to convey just how helpless I felt and I'm sure Jared felt the same way, if not worse. All I could think about was how much we had waited for Mikey; planned his conception, his birth, his absolute beauty, and even his life - the path he would take, the choices he would make (how they'd all be the right ones and we would have our selves to thank), and the man he would become. I begged God to "make this okay, just make this okay" I made promises to Him, anything and everything, I just wanted my Mikey. Those 24 hours he was in the hospital with an IV, and up until this very moment, I cannot help but recognize just how precious he is to me, just how much I love him, just how much I need him. I suppose it isn’t until the existence of something you treasure most in the world is threatened, that you learn just how fragile that existence really is. But it also makes me scared, very scared that I might one day feel that overwhelmingly paralyzing feeling of being helpless, knowing that we are so small in this very big universe, that at any moment a candle's flame could suddenly . . . extinguish.

                           

"When I was yer age...."

I was talking to Vivian about school; the funny and happy times, and the scary and miserable times, that encompass that which we call "growing up." I realized (after I opened the conversation with, "When I was yer age...") that I had a wonderful time growing up. I had a coupla of the best, most loyal, and most wonderful friends. I was smart and thank god I was allowed the space to grow - and make mistakes, or fuck ups, along the way. I played a very important role in the upbringing of my brother and sister, practically leading double lives that many teens keep secret, and eventually I became a strange adult.....and it all started because I had a great time growing up. I had (have) some awesome friends, and I've know some great (strange) people.

Roundtrip Ticket

I don't know what the hell I was thinking taking a trip down memory lane, via Facebook. I've read a number of articles about how that very same method of transportation can lead to serious obstacles, and perhaps, even passage into desolate terrain! (Spooky)

Although my travels lead me looping through winding tunnels of memories and ascending peaks of forlorn contemplation - unsuspectingly, my procession pulled back into its unfailing, and very stable, station. I came back to Home.

I found an old friend, does anyone else do that? Pour salt in an old wound? So, I found this old friend of mine, who was one of my most favorite people ever. She moved away Freshman year and I haven't seen her in 13 years.....damn - I sound like an old Grandma. Anyway, she was one of my first best friends, and the sad thing is that Ive only had a few close friends, and one of them I had children with! Therefore, I must be such a fukin' hypocrite; preaching to Vivian about the importance of making (and keeping) friends, while my idea of "going out" is drinking with my friend from work while her esthetician-mother does my facials and waxing!! Next I'll be partying with the mail lady as she delivers my mail, and drinking with my GYNO every March. Do I need to get out more? Yes. Because I'm turning into a bitter old lady.... and Jared's too good looking to be with a cougar.

I learned two new things at dinner tonight:

#1) My mother collects (among many other things) temporary tattoos from gumball machines. Tonight at the dinner table she just happen to conveniently whip out a stack of temporary tattoos (rubber banded together the way the mafia and rappers keep $100 bills). You name it, she had it; dragons, flowers, crosses, crosses surrounded by flowers, skulls, "little homies," gang tagging, rainbows for the gays, skulls with guns, skulls with snakes coming out of the eyes, naked women, naked men - you name it, she had it in a temporary tattoo. I think she must have "invested" thousands of dollars worth of quarters into this "collection."  This discovery generated two different emotions; 1.) admiration - for the kind of fervor one must have, in order to continue to build such a wealth of unique specimens, and 2.) shock and terror - that someone would waste so much of their life and money purchasing, and then idolizing, such pieces of absolutely worthless shit. At that moment I seriously pondered my mother's sanity....

What the fuck, man! My mom has this omnipresent delusion that there will be some sort of catastrophic disaster and the fate of mankind will lay in her possessing a magical, celestial,  last-of-its-kind low rider el camino tattoo, which she alone will possess somewhere amongst the stack of other priceless artifacts.......

and

#2.) Mikey likes to make announcements. Sporadically, at random intervals, Mikey made a number of announcements; when we sat down at our table he announced he "had to go pee, NOW!" When our food came he announced to all who could hear that Jared and I were "eating disgusting food." When he was done eating his rice, he announced it was "time to go home." When my mom pissed him off because she wouldn't share her temporary tattoos with him, he announced that she was a "caca jerk caca" . . . . and then his departing announcement as he walked out of the restaurant - "I just farted!"

FUN AT THE PARK

The other night at the dinner table, we were all talking about how our day was: Jared was telling me about how great Mikey is at Baseball - that earlier in the day Mikey was hitting home runs! I look at Mikey to confirm this good news, and while chewing his steak (or whatever it was Jared had cooked for dinner) Mikey smiles and nods in agreement as if saying, "Yes mother, I am a young Derek Jeter." Jared and Mikey go on to describe their fun and exciting athletic excursions they've engaged in: the Baseball; the home runs; the fastballs Mikey was pitching; Mikey’s pristine ability to hit a fastball and a curve ball; and Mikey’s amazing talents that have been genetically passed down to him from Jared.  As Jared tells me about this day of robust, adventure-filled, action-packed, energetic fun (the baseball, the pitching, the hitting, the running, the sweating, the falling-down-and-getting-back-ups, the HOME RUNS) I finally ask . . . . “Wow, so, how long were you guys at the park?” Then, Mikey and Jared give each other a puzzled look, and Mikey says, “We didn’t go to the park, Mom. Me and Dad play IN THE HOUSE!” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………

Awww, Mikey's making me watch "Marmaduke" and its the lamest movie . . . Okay, okay, its really cute!

Mikey's Weenie

Last night Mikey referred to his weenie as . . . . . . . a "bone-uh."

Yes, he was saying "boner."

He pointed to his weenie and said, "I don't have a bone-uh, yes-tuh-day I  had a bone-uh, but tuh-day I don't have a bone-uh."

I was too shocked to respond. The whole potty-training thing has brought alot of attention to his "anatomy," thus producing a number of questions which get directed to Jared, who is better qualified to answer. Well.....I thought he was better qualified. I guess I kinda have a choice; either I take over the potty-training and eventually turn him into a little boy who is scared shittless of fecal matter and takes a piss sitting down, OR, let Jared keep up the "good work" (yeah, Mikey shit his pants again today) and experience those occasionally odd, yet hysterically entertaining, cluster-fuck moments of random, childhood outbursts.

Maybe Jared and Mikey have been spending too much time hanging out in their man cave, because they're starting to pick up each other's knack for descriptive word choice.