Batteries NOT Included

I can’t be the only one. Seriously, you know you’ve done it too. I’m not the only one guilty of frantically rummaging through every electronic toy owned by one’s child, like a junkie looking for a taste of smack, trying to find a few new batteries with just enough juice to  -  nah, I’m not alone!

Since the dawn of the working woman, self “pleasurvation” has been a necessity. How are women to manage Work, Home, Husbands, Weigh Gain, and Fatigue, without some sort of personal – release? It can be an embarrassing topic, even taboo, for some women – for others, we can meet at the bar and compare vibrator mishaps, tips, and even jokes!

Now, timing is everything. As we all know, no one wants to rush through a good thing; we never fast forward through a Ryan Reynolds body scene, or skim through the hot sex scenes in “Fifty Shades,” nor do we cram chocolate French Silk pie down our gullet in a food frenzy. We. Take. Our. Time. Unless, of course you don’t have any – in that case it’s every clitoris for itself! So, if you’ve got 9 whole minutes while the spaghetti noodles are cooking then use 8 of those minutes to relax! Guilt free. Because you’ve earned it; all the chauffeuring, cooking, and “woman-ing” has earned you a free pass, a Golden Glorious Ticket, a Token, a credit, a moment to your fucking self. A moment to breathe. Maybe even laugh. Enjoy it, but remember what the box says – “Batteries NOT Included.”